So this chick I sometimes work with walks up to me a little sheepishly, and confides that she doesn’t know how to use her letter opener - it keeps mangling her documents.

Although she’s totally brilliant and great at her smart-girl job she’s been working from home, or possibly from under a rock, for quite some time.

I took the document and stuck it into the commercial grade massive electric stapler and handed it back to her, along with her “letter opener” – and waited.

Slowly, she realized that her crappy letter opener would be a wicked staple remover.

I have a really great chiropractor. She does a great job and she's a little bit fabulous on the inside.

That said, I am going to bring our doctor/patient relationship to a new level this morning. A relationship that will now be based on adoration and lies.

I’m not going to shower before my 9:30 appointment this morning. I’m going to say it’s because I’m going to hit the treadmill when I leave – she loves it when you say stuff like that.

But… in actuality I’m going to Jeney’s for coffee. At some point I will *think* about getting on the treadmill. And at some point today I will actually shower. Or maybe I will just wash my hair in the kitchen sink.

Who can say what will be - It’s in God’s hands now.

Keller was playing in his room with a few of his friends. Several ethnic groups were represented around the Lego bin - from the front room i heard this:

Dante: you're being mean keller - you're a racist, I can smell racism

Keller: "No, that's hamburgers. My grandma took us to lunch today. I smell like hamburgers."

some of you are killing me a little.

shabby “chic” – not “sheik”. one is an adjective, the other is a noun. stop it.

slathering a piece of crappy furniture with flat white paint does not make it shabby chic anymore than a sloppy coat of “farmhouse red” makes it a farmhouse. stop it.

and the word whimsy? seriously, stop it.

I was driving to work this morning when I noticed a bicyclist pumping his left fist in the air…

odd…

but then the world made sense as a trucker in the oncoming lane gave two tugs on the horn.

The cyclist had a huge grin on his face. It brought me back to a time before seatbelts when we would look out the back window and do the same thing.

It made me feel kinda happy to be part of this scene playing out, so I gave two little happy honks on the horn.

That’s when the cyclist flipped me the bird

Some songs sound like other songs… the alphabet song & twinkle little star for instance. But there is no other song that sounds like silent night. It’s the song that was playing Christmas Eve when I heard that my grandma had passed away –

It’s also the song the ice cream truck was playing this afternoon as it tooled through the neighborhood.

The Math: Integrity + Honest Accountant = A No Change Audit. WOOHOO!

The audit is complete and I’m happy to say that while it’s not something I look forward to ever doing again, it wasn’t so bad. I learned a lot through the experience. Apparently the IRS is big on taxpayer education. Who knew?

Shout Out: I’d like to give a shout out to my auditor Chung (since I’m pretty sure he’s reading this…)

Word: Word to my Mother - who always taught us to be honest.

My 8-yearold gave me a card for Valentine’s Day. Not the homemade card with the crazy pictures and misspelled words that I look forward to all year – a store bought card.

But Then…

I opened the card, and as it blared out “Super Freak” by Rick James (shut up) my valentine busted into a dance that he had choreographed to the card just for this occasion.

Best Valentine Ever.

This Just In: Evidently he thought the words were, “sugar freak.”

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. I will not take requests.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year (2009).
- I will post a second post that will be screened for addresses and contact info... when i figure out how...

Today we took a walk around the lake and fed the ducks.

Keller broke off a piece of dried bread, and just before firing it at the duck he yelled, “PULL!”

Keller is now the recipient of a weekly allowance - not my idea. Receiving money for chores has ushered in the “you owe me for everything I do” mindset.

To combat this I began meeting his “you owe me” demands with “all I owe you is food and shelter.”

Today while driving, we both said the same thing at the exact same time, to which keller fired off, “Jinx, you owe me food and shelter!”

Today I picked up my never been used yoga set from a Craig’s lister (hope springs eternal) I unroll the mat, toss the blocks and strap aside – I have no idea what they are for – and pop in the 10 minute workout video.

Queue the soothing music, then a stunning and very flexible Asian woman begins stretching and the narration begins – in French.

Borrowed from quaero_verum

Leave me a comment and I will reply with why I like you. If I don't know you, I'll either make something up or tell you why I like your LiveJournal. You can pay it forwardy by posting a message like this one on your LiveJournal.

ok, so i’ve been watching the love boat (go ahead, I’ll wait) here’s the thing, that julie mc coy is always hooking up. what a tart.

do this:

palm facing forward press your thumb to your middle fingers, while extending your index finger and pinky straight up. this my friends is the quiet coyote.

the quiet coyote transcends grade levels and school districts. I first heard about the quiet coyote a couple of days ago, but this morning i witnessed this phenomenon firsthand as the principal's voice came over the school intercom and 29 kids raised the quiet coyote in unison.

40 is the new 30
pink is the new black
and according to the "family fun" halloween party we went to tonight, slutty pirate is the new slutty cat.

Tip of the Day


1. From your caller ID logs create a listing of all phone numbers associated with debt collectors
2. Consolidate all numbers under one contact name (mine is “bananas” - you know why)
3. Assign a unique ringtone, preferably something soothing


This way when the phone rings you’ll know if you should stop playing ToonTown to answer it.

I use the "watch now" feature of my brother’s netflix account. It’s all the old stuff, but I don’t have a tv and it’s free.

the other day I stumble upon the hardy boys/nancy drew mysteries (shaun cassidy & parker stevenson circa 1970) and I think maybe my 8 year old might like them, plus the clothes and the “acting” - Mwah.

and guess what – some of the episodes are actually not available for free!
netflix, you’re a cruel mistress.

today was a ridiculous waste of a saturday.

i woke up with a migraine... and everything that implies
then i set off the smoke alarm while making toast - toast!
of course it was the last 2 slices of bread in the house, and the smoke alarm is at the top of the vaulted ceilings.

after taking more medicine combinations than i am comfortable with (twice) i am slowing becoming a human again.

also, there are only 4 squares left on the toilet paper roll.

For those of you who didn’t grow up in my house in the 70’s, Jim Croce is a white guy who played the guitar and sang about failed love, prison, running shine, bar fights & underage girls.

Also he is quite possibly the father of Ebonics.

That said, today I was going thru my mom’s Goodwill pile and came across a Jim Croce tape. I popped it in the second I got home. But something was wrong - and right at the same time. right songs, wrong voice. After looking closer I note that it is a “Sing the Hits of Jim Croce” tape.

Side 1 = Right songs, Wrong voice.
Side 2 = Me, with a full band complete with backup singers. Keeping it Real in my apartment

Play List:
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
Time In A Bottle (I don’t sing that song, because it’s stupid)
I Got A Name
You Don’t Mess Around With Jim
I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song
Rapid Roy (That Stock Car Boy)