Standard Issue

yeah, i'm that hott...

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 01:13:16 GMT

while cooking dinner tonight, I set off the smoke alarm - without any smoke.

wicked staple remover

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:17:37 GMT

So this chick I sometimes work with walks up to me a little sheepishly, and confides that she doesn’t know how to use her letter opener - it keeps mangling her documents.

Although she’s totally brilliant and great at her smart-girl job she’s been working from home, or possibly from under a rock, for quite some time.

I took the document and stuck it into the commercial grade massive electric stapler and handed it back to her, along with her “letter opener” – and waited.

Slowly, she realized that her crappy letter opener would be a wicked staple remover.

adoration and lies

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:00:54 GMT

I have a really great chiropractor. She does a great job and she's a little bit fabulous on the inside.

That said, I am going to bring our doctor/patient relationship to a new level this morning. A relationship that will now be based on adoration and lies.

I’m not going to shower before my 9:30 appointment this morning. I’m going to say it’s because I’m going to hit the treadmill when I leave – she loves it when you say stuff like that.

But… in actuality I’m going to Jeney’s for coffee. At some point I will *think* about getting on the treadmill. And at some point today I will actually shower. Or maybe I will just wash my hair in the kitchen sink.

Who can say what will be - It’s in God’s hands now.

No, that's hamburgers

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:09:23 GMT

Keller was playing in his room with a few of his friends. Several ethnic groups were represented around the Lego bin - from the front room i heard this:

Dante: you're being mean keller - you're a racist, I can smell racism

Keller: "No, that's hamburgers. My grandma took us to lunch today. I smell like hamburgers."

Dear Craig's List

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:14:28 GMT

some of you are killing me a little.

shabby “chic” – not “sheik”. one is an adjective, the other is a noun. stop it.

slathering a piece of crappy furniture with flat white paint does not make it shabby chic anymore than a sloppy coat of “farmhouse red” makes it a farmhouse. stop it.

and the word whimsy? seriously, stop it.

good humor

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 05:30:32 GMT

Some songs sound like other songs… the alphabet song & twinkle little star for instance. But there is no other song that sounds like silent night. It’s the song that was playing Christmas Eve when I heard that my grandma had passed away –

It’s also the song the ice cream truck was playing this afternoon as it tooled through the neighborhood.

Let the Chips Fall... here too.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 01:12:02 GMT

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. I will not take requests.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year (2009).
- I will post a second post that will be screened for addresses and contact info... when i figure out how...

trousse de yoga

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:36:16 GMT

Today I picked up my never been used yoga set from a Craig’s lister (hope springs eternal) I unroll the mat, toss the blocks and strap aside – I have no idea what they are for – and pop in the 10 minute workout video.

Queue the soothing music, then a stunning and very flexible Asian woman begins stretching and the narration begins – in French.

I Like You, I Really Like You!

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:48:33 GMT

Borrowed from quaero_verum

Leave me a comment and I will reply with why I like you. If I don't know you, I'll either make something up or tell you why I like your LiveJournal. You can pay it forwardy by posting a message like this one on your LiveJournal.

exciting and new

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 06:27:38 GMT

ok, so i’ve been watching the love boat (go ahead, I’ll wait) here’s the thing, that julie mc coy is always hooking up. what a tart.

quiet coyote

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:03:51 GMT

do this:

palm facing forward press your thumb to your middle fingers, while extending your index finger and pinky straight up. this my friends is the quiet coyote.

the quiet coyote transcends grade levels and school districts. I first heard about the quiet coyote a couple of days ago, but this morning i witnessed this phenomenon firsthand as the principal's voice came over the school intercom and 29 kids raised the quiet coyote in unison.

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:31:37 GMT

40 is the new 30
pink is the new black
and according to the "family fun" halloween party we went to tonight, slutty pirate is the new slutty cat.

Tip of the Day

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 03:12:59 GMT

Tip of the Day

1. From your caller ID logs create a listing of all phone numbers associated with debt collectors
2. Consolidate all numbers under one contact name (mine is “bananas” - you know why)
3. Assign a unique ringtone, preferably something soothing

This way when the phone rings you’ll know if you should stop playing ToonTown to answer it.

Netflix

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 02:50:06 GMT

I use the "watch now" feature of my brother’s netflix account. It’s all the old stuff, but I don’t have a tv and it’s free.

the other day I stumble upon the hardy boys/nancy drew mysteries (shaun cassidy & parker stevenson circa 1970) and I think maybe my 8 year old might like them, plus the clothes and the “acting” - Mwah.

and guess what – some of the episodes are actually not available for free!
netflix, you’re a cruel mistress.

only 4 squares left

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:40:42 GMT

today was a ridiculous waste of a saturday.

i woke up with a migraine... and everything that implies
then i set off the smoke alarm while making toast - toast!
of course it was the last 2 slices of bread in the house, and the smoke alarm is at the top of the vaulted ceilings.

after taking more medicine combinations than i am comfortable with (twice) i am slowing becoming a human again.

also, there are only 4 squares left on the toilet paper roll.

Dig This.

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 22:14:38 GMT

For those of you who didn’t grow up in my house in the 70’s, Jim Croce is a white guy who played the guitar and sang about failed love, prison, running shine, bar fights & underage girls.

Also he is quite possibly the father of Ebonics.

That said, today I was going thru my mom’s Goodwill pile and came across a Jim Croce tape. I popped it in the second I got home. But something was wrong - and right at the same time. right songs, wrong voice. After looking closer I note that it is a “Sing the Hits of Jim Croce” tape.

Side 1 = Right songs, Wrong voice.
Side 2 = Me, with a full band complete with backup singers. Keeping it Real in my apartment

Play List:
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
Time In A Bottle (I don’t sing that song, because it’s stupid)
I Got A Name
You Don’t Mess Around With Jim
I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song
Rapid Roy (That Stock Car Boy)

also - I drank the milk from the carton

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:51:59 GMT

when my 8-year old is home, we eat our meals at the table.
when my 8-year old is gone, i eat like an 8-year old.

dinner tonight = pbj + nectarine + milk + chocolate pudding. on the floor in my room, while playing toontown on my laptop.

solid.

also - I drank the milk from the carton.

MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:52:38 GMT

MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN

The days of snack food have come to an end

I have tested the limits of my largest pair of jeans and they have been found wanting

I have divided them, just under the back right pocket

a lesser person

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 07:14:35 GMT

yesterday, keller tripped while walking thru his exceedingly messy room. 3 seconds later there was a light tapping on the front door... my downstairs neighbor letting me know that we woke up her baby. it seems he's a light sleeper.

i explained that keller had tripped and that i was sorry and that we try really hard to be considerate.

she was nice about it... i guess.

it is currently 12:11 and her baby is screaming its fool head off.

a lesser person would go downstairs and tap on her door.

Question:

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 04:27:51 GMT

Is it worse to have a donut a day or 5 donuts in one night?

Discuss:

I need a camera

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:21:37 GMT

i need a camera. there is so much crazy crap i see every day. it's absurd.

the other day i was driving home from work and i saw an old guy in one of those rascal things - you know, with the bike flag on the back?

he was stopped for the red light in the left hand turn lane.

physically pfft.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:05:59 GMT

last week(ish) jeney and i hit the little gym in my apartment complex. i'm not what you'd call physically fit...i'm more physically fat.

moving on... i just bought some workout clothes.

i'm not sure what kind of shorts work best for running, so i bought a wide variety in hopes of finding something that doesn't bunch all up in there.

i also bought a sports bra big enough to drive my car into.

i also bought a frozen yogurt - loaded with brownie chunks.

ETA the enormous sports bra is totally padded - really?
it is completely ridiculous...aaaaaand too small.
also, why do my long running shorts have pockets - BIG POCKETS? wth.

Here It Is

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 04:07:47 GMT

First, there are a few things you should know:

1. I live in an area where all ethnic/economic/age groups are represented. I like it that way.

2. There is a huge greenbelt area that all of the apartments look onto – it’s where the kids play and the families hang out.

3. Keller and David both have blond hair and blue eyes.

4. Keller has recently seen the Indiana Jones movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark

And on we go…

Keller and Dave out on the greenbelt whipping tree branches and yelling at the top of their lungs, in turn,

“I’M A NAZI! I’M A NAZI! I’M A NAZI! I’M A NAZI!”

I called them in – immediately, and counted 2 Hispanic families, one African American couple and an old guy I’m pretty sure stormed the beach at Normandy.

After I talked with them a bit about the Nazis they went out and apologized to the 1 remaining family that was still out there.

“We’re sorry we said we were Nazis, we didn’t know what it meant.”

paris

Mon, 26 May 2008 17:32:13 GMT

it's been almost 2 years since my trip to paris. i found this on google images

http://photos.igougo.com/images/p193307-Paris-Chez_Janou.jpg

in the bottom right hand corner you can see a white door (next to the dark green door) and orange trees in pots in the windows. that's my place.

The road to H E double hockey sticks.

Sun, 25 May 2008 22:33:49 GMT

When we moved out I made the decision not to get cable.

Part of the reason was financial and the other part was that I had a high and lofty notion that instead of wasting my time watching TV I would read the classics.

I began with Tolstoy’s Anna Karinin – I got half way thru it.

*cut to me logging on to Netflix*

I found Anna Karinin ready to download.

*now cut to me downloading Jim Gaffigan, Beyond the Pale*